For the first time in nearly two years I looked at the stats for this site and noticed the numbers of visitors for the last year has significantly increased.  Ironically I haven’t done a thing to the site so I can only hope it’s age and terms getting out there but it has definitely given me some encouragement to get back to writing again.  I don’t know who out there in cyber space actually reads my gibberish, but I’m grateful for any who do.  If I can provoke any kind of thought or discussion, then the time spent poring over ideas has been well worth it.

Now that the mushy stuff is out of the way, it’s time for something a little less cynical.  Today I express my empathy and appreciation for people in this world who suffer with physical ailments and afflictions which no amount of medicine or treatment can sufficiently help.  Now of course there are mental ones as well, but those are for another day.  I suppose in general that kind of appreciation should be warranted but this time it comes from a place of understanding.  You see my blog didn’t stop because I lost interest or ran out of topics to write, it stopped because I have had some medical issues to deal with.  The kind which don’t just magically go away.

I’ve spent the better part of the last year having test upon test, an extensive surgery, tried a series of medications and more.  I think I’ve been to the doctor’s office so much I now have my own valet parking space and a personal room complete with concierge services.  Seriously though, who actually enjoys going to the doctor?  When it becomes a repeated event it is even more fun.

The things I’ve learned not only about myself but about how little control we really have even of our own bodies at times was not only humbling, but life altering.  I’ve had to overcome and fight through challenges I never thought I would have to and my family and those around me have had to go through them with me.

There is nothing like dealing with chronic pain.  It is an insidious villain which robs you of precious time, focus and energy.  Sure there are pain medications, but the side effect is also being robbed of focus and time as the effects are equally disturbing to the daily routine.

I was put on a newer medication, kind of a “well nothing else has worked” effort  at solving my problems.  Unfortunately that backfired miserably.  I spent months not realizing the medication was having an effect on my psyche.  It slowly wore me down to a point where I began questioning my own sanity.  Simple activities of the mind were no longer simple and I felt a frustration like I’ve never felt in my life.  I opted for the chronic pain and suffering over the medication.  I’d rather lose control of my entire body and keep my mental faculties in check than to lose my mental abilities ever again.  It truly was the most horrific experience ever.

There was a point when like most people I thought of myself as superhuman – not invincible but at least stronger than most.  I’m a workaholic, I push everything to the last bit I have in me and the realization it can all be lost in an instant has really given me a lot to ponder and appreciate in life.

I still struggle, and fight, with no means of relief on the horizon yet.  I have it far easier than so many others out there, and harder than some too but I appreciate the life lesson and the understanding of others and walking in someone else’s shoes.

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